A Few Steps Into the Darkness

Ever since I served on the physical facilities committee for the Oquirrh Mountain Temple open house in 2009, I knew that I wanted to be a temple worker. Due to demands of employment, church calling, and family commitments, the time was not yet. Last year both my job and my church assignments changed and I was able to finally accept a call as both an ordinance worker and a temple organist.

Every Friday morning I arise at 4:45 so that I can arrive at the temple by 6:00 to begin my temple shift. It is the highlight of my week. I love the peace and joy and spirit that I feel in the temple. I love the patrons. I love my "temple family" and have gained so much insight and knowledge and love from the sisters with whom I work.

Just before school ended in May I was informed that because of budget constraints and need, I would be going back to my old job. That meant I would have to give up my temple shift. I was devastated!

For two months I stewed and cried and hoped that there had been a mistake. By the end of July I knew a decision had to be made. The problem was that I wanted to "have my cake and eat it, too." I turned to the scriptures, reading in 2 Corinthians the words of Paul ... "For we live by faith, not by sight." This simple yet profound counsel, coupled with President Packer's words, "Faith, to be faith, is walking to the edge of the light and taking a few steps into the darkness" helped me make my decision. Even after 16 wonderful years at the school, I knew that my much-needed paycheck couldn't make up for the blessings of temple service. So I resigned.

It was just two weeks later that my friend, Lori, sent me a text that one of the media aides had moved. I immediately contacted Todd (the principal) to verify the rumor. Within two days I had been interviewed and offered the job.

It may seem like a lucky happenstance to many, but I believe with all my heart that in order for me to both remain employed and keep my temple calling I was required to make the difficult decision, to step into the darkness.

I'm Glad It's In the Past!

Today, while organizing my shelves I opened up my 1989-1990 planners. As I started to read I was overcome by the tremendous weight that I carried those months. The more I read, the more overwhelmed I became. I remember each event, but somehow I had blocked out the fact that so much happened at once.

It upset me so much that I wept.

Just a few of the activities I was involved in at the time:

• Secretary in the Stake Relief Society Presidency
• PTA Board Member & Classroom Volunteer
• 4-H Leader
• Mother to five children, ages 2-12
• Transportation for my mother who didn't drive & my brother, Kim, who had M.S.
• Board Member of Utah Calligraphic Artists

My calendar was so packed that there was seldom a day that wasn't full.

This is just a sampling of a few of the BIG events that I recorded:

January

• Mars (age 8) called home from school 4 consecutive days with headaches & blurred vision. X-rays for sinus problems were negative. He had fixed pupils & elevated blood pressure in his neck. After an adjustment from the chiropractor his pupils were reactive, vision cleared, temperature dropped & headache pain decreased.
• Sheryl  (age 11) - ill with a sore throat, swollen glands, headache & stiff neck.
• I thought I was going crazy. Everything overwhelmed me. Dealing with the kids was too much. I cried over everything, couldn't think clearly, nothing lifted my spirits. I wanted to die.
• I was taken to the Emergency Room with extreme abdominal pain & cramping, hot flashes, chills & hyperventilating. No cause was found.

February

• Mars - ill again for 3 more days.
• Marisa (age 5) -  bladder infections.
• Aunt Betty passed away.
• Grandma Michaelis broke her hip.
• I went to court over an undeserved parking ticket.
• I was diagnosed  with Clinical Depression & started anti-depressants.

March

• Basement flooded.
• Marisa  - diagnosed with Acute Pyelonephritis (kidney infection).

April

• Constant Dr. visits ... Me - psychiatrist & gynecologist, Spencer - orthopedist, Marisa - urologist, and Kevin - allergist.
• Sheryl & Mars both out of school 4 days with illness.
• Kevin (age 2) - Southwest Emergency for stitches in chin.

May

• Marisa - Surgical procedure at Holy Cross Hospital for Urethral Stenosis. Had a Cystoscopy & Urethral Dilation.
• Kevin - stitches removed
• Sheryl - caught finger in back door & cut middle finger on left hand. Blood drained from under nail.

June

• Clive - Upper G.I. at Jordan Valley Holy Cross Hospital.
• More Dr. visits ... Kevin - allergist, Kids - dentist, Marisa - urologist, Me - chiropractor, Clive - internist, Mom - surgeon & labs.
• Mom - Thumb joint replacement surgery.

July

• Dr. visits ... Clive - internist, Kids - dentist, Me - psychiatrist
• Clive & Boys - Backpacking
• Me, Girls & Kevin - Trip to Vernal

August

• Mom - 2nd Thumb joint replacement surgery.
• County Fair - In charge of 4-H Jr. Style Review
• More Dr. appts.
• Dryer and car battery both went out ... but miraculously revived!

September

• Mom & Kim to doctor appointments
• Sheryl - Always ill. Tired, achey, sore throat, etc. Missed 2 weeks of school. Dr. Aizad couldn't find anything. Believes it is not physical. Referral to mental health doctor.

October

• Sheryl - Visited several doctors. What a joke. One wanted to hospitalize her and another believed she was faking. Finally took her to my psychiatrist. Diagnosed with School phobia. Put on Home & Hospital. Attended school sporadically.

November

• Clive, Sheryl & Me - Performed in Stake Musical, Within These Walls
• Only 4 doctor appointments!

December

• Kevin - pneumonia & slight ear infection
• Grandpa Michaelis died of Congenital Heart Failure

January

• The Calm Before the Storm

February

• Micoplasma Pneumonia hit the family. Mars was hospitalized for 5 days with it in both lungs. Sheryl was put on a Home IV to keep her out of the hospital. She was so weak and down to 68 pounds. Kevin had a relapse in both lungs from his illness in December.  I had borderline pneumonia. Highly contagious. No one could help us.

March

• Marisa - Chicken pox
• Clive - Pneumonia
• Kevin - Chicken pox. So bad that he was nearly hospitalized. They were internal & caused his throat to swell. He couldn't swallow. Developed a fever & had yet another relapse of pneumonia.

It is hard to believe, but during our 15 month nightmare, Spencer stayed healthy. All I had to worry about with him was taking care of his flat feet and keep him in his specialized shoes.

It is a wonder that I survived at all.

But I do know that it was only possible because of

faith & prayers.

I leaned on the Savior and He held me up,

carrying me much of the way

until I could again stand on my own

... but I will never try to rely on my own strength.

That is why He suffered in Gethsemane.

And I'm full of thanks.